Despite the fuzziness of the photo, The instructions are quite clear:

"Place Van de Kamp's frozen fish fillets in a single layer evenly distributed on a 4-sided baking pan".

It apparently doesn't matter whether the pan is square or rectangular, but a triangular pan is forbidden A hexagonal pan is out of the question. Not that I actually have a triangular baking pan or a hexagonal baking pan, but a little bit of time with a hacksaw could certainly change that.

I wonder what will happen if I bake these Van de Kamp frozen fish in a round baking pan? A follow-up post on this topic may be necessary. I presume that it will void the warranty, but will there be any major consequences?

But come to think of it, all the rectangular baking pans in our house are actually 6-sided, not 4 sided. They have a left, right, front, back, and top and bottom. I wonder why the instructions didn't specify that the fillets should be placed in a single layer evenly distributed on the top of a 6-sided baking pan? And don't go telling me that what I'm talking about is baking sheets, and they're talking about baking pans, such as a classic 9 x 13 pyrex dish with sides about 2 inches high. But no... that's not the case, because the instructions clearly indicate that the fish are to be placed "on" the pan, and that is how one refers to a flat sheet-like baking pan. One says "in" the pan when one is referring to something more like a 9 x 13 cake dish.

Now, Van de Kamp is a brand of the Pinnacle Foods Corporation, and they have a form on their web site for questions and comments. I don't think I can resist asking them about this. Stay tuned for answers when they come in.

1. Richard Schwartz10/13/2005 08:00:42 PM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

Here is the text of the message I posted to the Pinnacle Foods web site:

"My question is about the instruction ont he box of frozen fish fillets, which say "Place Van de Kamp's frozen fish fillets in a single layer evenly distributed on a 4-sided baking pan".

Why must the frozen fish fillets be baked in a 4-sided pan? Does something bad happen if one places them on a round pan instead of a rectangular pan? Does it void the warranty if I try cooking them on a hexagonal pan?

Up to this point I've only used a rectangular pan to cook Van de Kamp's fish fillets, but come to think of it... those rectangular pans actually have 6 sides, not 4. They have a left, right, front, back, and top and bottom. Was I not following directions properly? I did choose to put the fish on the top, as it didn't seem like they would stay if I put them on the bottom of the pan, and the fish seemed fine to me when they were cooked.

I'm pretty sure you're referring to the flat baking pans (I usually call them "sheets") rather than the typicl 9 x 13 baking dish (which I might call a "cake dish" though the pyrex ones that I have are suitable for many things beside cake!). Am I wrong about this? Have I been using the wrong type of dish all along? The reason I'm pretty sure about this is that you would have said to put the fillets "in" the pan if you really meant a dish with steep sides, and the instructions clearly say to place the fillets "on" the dish though, and to me that implies that the sheet-like dishes are the correct choice.

I have a pizza pan that looks like it is big enough to hold all the fillets from a box. It's round and therefore it doesn't have a front, back, left or right so I guess it's only a 2-sided baking ban. Do you think it would it be ok to use it to cook the Van de Kamp fish fillets?

I'm looking forward to your clarification on this."

2. Jerry Glover10/14/2005 12:24:38 AM
Homepage: http://www.jerryglover.com

First, that pic is waaayyy too blurry; how about a scanner instead of the camera next time?

Second, the real problem is that you're eating frozen fish sticks. I think the only acceptable form to cook them in would be a tesseract. Given the scarcity of said form, I shall have to pass on consuming frozen fishy-like objects.

3. Richard Schwartz10/14/2005 12:54:54 AM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

@Jerry: Unfortunately I don't have a flat-bed scanner, otherwise I would have scanned it. As for the consumption of fish sticks, I offer three excuses: (1) the kids always like them (2) I've never really mastered the art of cooking fresh fish well and I honestly don't blame the kids for not liking it when I cook it, and (3) they're fast and easy which is important on a day when one kid has tap and voice lessons and the other has gymnastics.

4. Richard Schwartz10/14/2005 12:56:51 AM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

But yeah... I gotta try and re-shoot that picture.

Blocked Response!10/14/2005 07:18:27 AM

This response from IP Address was blocked by the owner of this blog.

6. Richard Schwartz10/14/2005 03:22:15 PM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

I managed to get the cardboard from the box to feed through my scanner, so the fuzzy picture has been replaced.

7. Duffbert10/15/2005 08:42:09 AM
Homepage: http://www.twduff.com

Something tells me this is going to be fun reading... :)

8. Doris02/23/2006 03:52:05 PM

yes I know it said to bake the fish in the oven but what i want to know is can I deep fry the fish please let me know and how long should I leave in fryer?

9. Janet Parker06/29/2006 11:41:24 AM

I was amazed to discover that the fish in the Van De Kamp boxes are from China!!! It does say they are processed in the United States but why are all the fish coming from China? This is a concern for me and the people I know who discovered this.

10. Dawn07/19/2006 09:24:17 PM

You people have way too much time on your hands and obviously nothing of great importance going on in your life. Directions on the box are for people like you, who have to question everything and everyone. Please, worry about our soldiers who are dying in Iraq....because you probaby aren't even a registered voter. GET A LIFE.

Regards- A very concerned RN for people who are going to develop cardiac problems for minor stressors in life!

Have a good day...and remember to smile!

11. Richard Schwartz07/19/2006 11:02:57 PM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

Why, thanks for dropping by, Dawn! You're wrong on almost all counts, but thanks anyhow.

Too much time on my hands? Hah! That would explain why I hadn't taken the time to post anything new in here in 9 months.

Question everything and everyone? Well, you got me on that one. Of course, sometimes I'm doing it with tongue in cheek, but yeah... I do that. Ever hear of Socrates? He made a pretty good career out of doing exactly that, but it did get him into a bit of trouble.

Worry about the soldiers dying in Iraq? Yep. I do. Want to challenge me to a current events quiz? I'll bet I win, hands down.

Not a registered voter? Hah! Not only am I registered, and not only do I vote, but I'm an attendee of political rallys and volunteer in campaigns, too.

Get a life? Thanks, but I've got one. A busy one, too.

Glad to hear you're a nurse. I'm married to one. I can drive her crazy sometimes, too.

As for the smiling, people ask me why I don't smile more. I have no idea what they're talking about, because usually I think I'm smiling when they're telling me I'm not. And I joke a lot, too, but sometimes some people don't get it. And that, by the way, is a hint.

12. Sarah08/21/2006 12:48:27 PM

I would have to agree a bit with the nurse. Do we have to be so mean about human errors or rip people apart over simple things over- looked? I run a child care and just found your web site looking for Van de Kamp's web site to file a real complaint that I hope is answered in a timely manner and not slowed down by people with non-health or safety issue concerns filing complaints that waste customer service agents time and keep them from checking into very serious complaints such as mine where every fish fillet I served my children ( which by the way for the person who commented on you eating them at all, are approved by the Wisconsin Sate Food Program) had a dark soggy piece of cardboard cooked in between the batter and the fish.

13. Richard Schwartz08/21/2006 07:32:13 PM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

Sarah,

Thanks to you, too, for dropping by. If you were looking for the Van de Kamp web site, I suggest just searching for "Van de Kamp" instead of "Van de Kamp frozen fish fillets". For the latter, indeed my page does come up first. For the former, Pinnacle Foods -- the owners of Van de Kamp come up first, and my page isn't in the top 50.

Anyhow, it's called "humor". Sarcastic, satiric, yes. Mean, no. Trust me, if I wanted to be mean, I could have come up with much, much better things to do than ribbing Van de Kamp about the fact that their instructions are unnecessarily over-specific about the pan.

In my wildest dreams, I think that maybe someone at Pinnacle Foods actually read my message, chuckled, and maybe even forwarded it around the company... but I really doubt that happened. I never received any response at all, so as far as wasting their time and diverting them from solving legitimate problems like yours... I really doubt it. I guess I'm just not in Don Novello's class. Ever hear of him? You might want to find a copy of his book "The Laszlo Letters". It might make you laugh. Or maybe you'll think he's mean. I dunno. Don Novello is better known as "Father Guido Sarducci", by the way.

-rich

14. karen 01/29/2007 07:27:43 PM

omg, this is hysterical. i read my instructions tonite (on a product that tasted worse than the box it came in i betcha) and thought
Ha, WHAT would happen if I used my round cake pan?? and low and behold, a fellow cynic!! thanks for the laugh...the nurse and sarah sure are stuffy!!

15. Frank04/13/2007 02:18:11 PM

Thanks for posting this. I happened to grab this item to bring to lunch at work today, frozen of course, as there is an oven at work, and tossed the box before thinking about the directions. Not only did I get a laugh out of the site, but I will be enjoying some fish in approximately 12-14 minutes, right off that middle rack. I am sorry I cannot disclose the nature of the pan I hope to cook. (Actually it might be some tin foil.) btw to other posters, many quality frozen fish products come from overseas, such as China. Some of the best tilapia fillets come from China, probably farmed... the best "seafood mix" I have had included squid, scallops, shrimp and mussels and the country of origin was Thailand. Of course, Alaskan seafood is the best, especially if you have the money to be so nationalistic. Don't want to support communist economies? Buy Alaskan salmon. Don't want farmed fish? Buy Alaskan salmon. Want food rich in omega-3? Buy Alaskan salmon. Want to buy from a high quality, not-a-giant-corporation outlet, google "Dancing Salmon" or go to these guys website: http://www.dancingsalmon.net/ ... of course, for me, today... I will chew on some of these fish "thingies" ... thanks for the directions to cook them!

16. Jimmy Page09/28/2007 01:51:21 PM

Richard...

I realize this is an old conversation but I just found it.. After reading this blog on fish cooking instructions, I feel I have to propose an alternative to your 6 sides pan..

In fact, would it not have 10? (4 InSides, 4 OutSides, 1 Above and 1 under?)

P.S.: Thanks for the laugh. I just learned about your site today and no, I will never doubt the power of Schwartz.

Regards..

Jimmy!

17. Richard Schwartz10/09/2007 10:43:19 PM
Homepage: http://www.rhs.com/poweroftheschwartz

Jimmy,

I love your outlook on things. 10 sides it is!

I also love your music.

18. Jason 10/15/2007 01:20:13 AM

Just fry them at 350 for 4 minutes depending on how long it takes for your fryer to return to 350 when you drop the fish in.I usually take it out as soon as it turns a few shades darker.They taste better deep fried.But that's just me. Or Not....

19. Richard03/17/2008 02:31:37 PM

So there I was, making some fish fillets... Minding my own business... When the box told me to get a "4-sided baking pan".

"Huh? Why the hell are they asking for a 4-sided baking pan?
I assume they're excluding the bottom side, but I've got pans with short sides. Do those qualify as sides in this case? I need a picture :("

Google to the rescue! "4-sided baking pan", and I landed here.

Thanks for the laugh. :)